thursday may 12, 2005 – WOW this is a long drive, or, things people might discuss on a 13-hour ride from nashville to new jersey

the cows in virginia have it good, at least for a little while. they trot along well-worn cow paths on grass-covered rolling hills, bask in the sun next to large incandescent pools.

adam talked to sprint again, they keep hanging up on him. i think they’re taunting him deliberately.

13 HOURS ON THE ROAD FROM NASHVILLE TO JERSEY

BEARD PAPA’S - al’s looking forward to beard papa’s, a japanese cream puff joint that’s come to manhattan’s upper west side. from their website, muginohousa.com: “the trademark of our cream puff specialty stores is a ‘beard papa.’ we stuff each crunchy puff with whipped cream custard every time an order is placed. you can watch as they are being created in the store.”
FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS – allen popped in the greatest hits cd and the mocking began. carson recounted a story he had heard, that the singer was hired by the other members of the band after seeing him working out at a gym, or perhaps dancing at a club, but either way, without having ever heard him sing a lick. allen was convinced otherwise, or at least was determined to unearth the truth, still smarting from the “phantom of the park” incident. the truth, according to allen’s treo, is that the other members (steele & cox, formerly of the english beat) recalled hearing roland gift singing in an opening act for them at some point, then sought him out and rediscovered him fronting “the bones,” a cover band. he “looked like sidney poitier and sounded like otis redding,” according to the net.
WHAT IS THE PLURAL OF EWE?
listening to another allen choice, lloyd cole, carson accused cole of rhyming “you” with “you.” allen defended, protesting that you couldn’t assume that the homynym “ewe” was not in fact what cole intended. the context of the lyric would have required a plural, hence the need to find the plural of “ewe.” ewes or ewe, like deer & deer, or fish/fish? the treo says: ewes. hence, carson’s criticism of the lloyd cole lyric stands as originally stated.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S LACTATION ISSUE
this came up due to another much more sordid discussion about fluids generated by various forms of excitement. i’ll spare you the details, but the upshot is that allen claimed anna nicole smith had some sort of lactation issue, possibly manifested on live television. several treo searches have found tons of excellent pornography and a madcap story about another woman running into a burger king and utilizing the hand dryer, but no definitive answer about smith’s live tv lactation debacle. PLEASE HELP: if you know the answer (whether this happened, and if so, what happened) and can back it up with sources, reply to this blog with all the pertinent information. first verified response gets a 12” gabriel mann promo-packaging cd. really. legalese: many will enter. one will win. void in new hampshire. simple mathematical test administered to canadians. judges’ decisions are final.
REAL MEN CARRY THEIR WALLETS IN THEIR BACK POCKET
wallets continue to be placed on the chevy tahoe’s credenza-esque storage compartment/armrest unit. allen, stirring up yet another hornets’ nest, asked why adam and i didn’t just have our wallets in our pockets. we answered, essentially, that riding in a car with our wallets in our back pockets is uncomfortable, and that any man who doesn’t use his back pocket for wallet storage isn’t a real man at all. in an unusual twist, carson came to allen’s defense in this case, being a front-pocket loader. after some investigation and jibes from gabe/adam re: manhood, the issue remains unresolved. PLEASE HELP: men – respond to this blog with your vote re: front/back pocket wallet storage. feel free to include references to your wallet’s girth/width.
REAL WOMEN LOOK BEFORE SITTING ON THE TOILET SEAT
this may be tired comedian fare, but as i said, it’s a long drive... there was a consensus in the, albeit entirely male, population of the chevy tahoe that women should stop complaining about men leaving the toilet seat in the “up” position. it’s very simple: look before you sit, and you won’t fall in. men need the seat up, we put it up. women need it down, so put it down. why does the responsibility of toilet seat position lie exclusively with the man? is it an issue of gallantry? PLEASE HELP: women – explain yourselves. isn’t a relationship supposed to be an equal partnership? men put it up. women put it down. isn’t that how it should be?

allen decided to bail on the directions at some point, so we had to pull over and ask for help from a few gas station attendants. ultimately arrived at chez ellen/andrew hoch, our gracious hosts thurs/fri nights, in fabulous south amboy, nj. beautiful place, plenty of room to stretch our weary bones. pizza beer spurs game (we lost – ridiculous – but will ultimately prevail, have no fear) on espn hd (oh, and let there be no doubt, hdtv is for real). and sleep. at some point my cuz bogo arrived and we said our goodbyes to tour manager extraordinaire, allen rindfuss, who bogo took to manhattan for an early flight out of jfk. sleep sleep sleep sleep.